I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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