At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
