How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Randomize
