Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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