Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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