i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
im on a boat
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