someone threw a dead crab at me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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