Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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