I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
