I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He passed out mid-signature
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
why is half of my head shaved?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
