There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Two words: blizzard sex
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
