i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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