I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
