Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
