i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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