it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
