Just took my morning after pill in the library
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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