Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
