I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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