new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
