grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
