Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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