I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
