Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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