I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
