omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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