best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
