remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
