I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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