ya dads aren't the best wingmen
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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