Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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