Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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