a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
