I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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