Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
