i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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