it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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