Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
