I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i drank out of a bidet.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
