She's JV to your varsity
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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