Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
what is it with giant penises always finding me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
