I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
