U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
