my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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