pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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