And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
