I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
