I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
