Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
