Your face is a jimmy john
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
