yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
