Will you blow on my dice?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
