god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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