Got a toothbrush?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
